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    Friday joke time!

    It's friday.
    I'm bored.

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
    One turns to the other and says "dam"
    **********
    Two peanuts walk into a bar.
    One was a salted.
    **********
    A jump-lead walks into a bar.
    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
    **********
    A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
    **********
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    **********
    A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and
    says: "A
    beer please, and one for the road."
    **********
    Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
    The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
    *********
    Two cannibals are eating a clown.
    One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
    **********
    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
    "That
    sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
    unusual."
    **********
    Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
    was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, no bull!"
    **********
    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, "I've lost my electron."
    "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
    **********
    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
    there anything you can do for him? "
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy"
    **********
    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
    any.
    **********
    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
    are too high.'
    **********
    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
    He was pulled in by a strong currant.
    *********
    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
    nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
    **********
    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh
    *********
    Two fish are in a tank
    One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

    Nigel :)

    #2
    The Test

    > Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
    > cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
    > trial.
    > The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of
    > the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
    > fruits.
    > The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The
    > king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up
    > your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The
    > first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he
    > was killed.
    > The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
    > explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
    > 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
    > laughter and was killed.
    > The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why
    > did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
    > couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
    Amarjit

    Membership No 0186



    73 Ford Cougar 351C
    67 Shelby GT500 Restomod
    66 Shelby GT350 R Restomod Project
    66 Coupe Project

    www.mustangweddinghire.com

    http://photobucket.com/albums/a142/Amarjit/

    Comment


      #3
      romance mathematics

      Smart man + smart woman = romance
      Smart man + dumb woman = affair
      Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
      Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
      ______________________________
      OFFICE ARITHMETIC

      Smart boss + smart employee = profit
      Smart boss + dumb employee = production
      Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
      Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
      _____________________________


      SHOPPING MATH

      A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
      A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
      _____________________________


      GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

      A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
      A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
      A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
      A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
      _____________________________

      HAPPINESS

      To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
      To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
      ______________________________

      LONGEVITY

      Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
      ______________________________

      PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

      A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
      A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
      _____________________________

      DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

      A woman has the last word in any argument.
      Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
      _____________________________
      HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
      Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

      ------------------
      Frankenstang™ only available in Kernow

      71-73 Supporters Group

      Comment


        #4
        After the week I've had at work I shall now go home with a smile on my face.
        Roo



        '09 GT/CS Convertible

        Comment


          #5
          The Horse and the Chicken

          A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

          A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

          Moral of the Story:
          If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

          Comment


            #6
            Theres more, nicked from another forum but what the heck

            THE GENIUS OF PETER KAY

            I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

            When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

            I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming

            I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

            Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

            My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

            I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

            If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

            I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

            You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


            Peter Kay's questions...

            Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

            If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

            Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

            Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

            Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

            Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

            Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

            Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

            Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

            Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

            What do people in China call their good plates?

            Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

            Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

            If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

            Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

            Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out of the window?


            Peter Kay's Universal Truths...

            Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

            At the end of every party there is always a girl crying

            One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

            You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

            Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator (this one is so true i remember doing this)

            Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

            You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

            Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

            You never know where to look when eating a banana.

            Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

            Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

            The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

            Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

            It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

            You never ever run out of salt.

            There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

            No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

            Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

            The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

            People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

            You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

            Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
            Frankenstang™ only available in Kernow

            71-73 Supporters Group

            Comment


              #7
              A Duck Walked.......

              .........into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

              The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

              " I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

              "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

              "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

              "Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

              "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

              This continues for 2 weeks.

              Then one day the circus comes to town.

              The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that
              would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

              "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

              So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

              "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

              "At the circus", says the landlord.

              "The circus?", the duck enquires.

              "That's right", replies the landlord.

              "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

              "That's right!", says the landlord.




              The duck looks confused. "What the XXXX would they want with a plasterer?". :D

              Comment


                #8
                The "F" Word

                (Correct use of the "F" word)
                When is @#$% Acceptable?


                There are only eleven times in history when the "F" word has
                been considered acceptable for use.

                They are as follows:

                11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
                we are sinking?"

                -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



                10. "What the @#$% was that?"

                -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945



                9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

                -- Custer, 1877









                8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
                could understand that."

                -- Einstein, 1938









                7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

                -- Picasso, 1926









                6. "How the @#$%
                did you work that out?"

                -- Pythagoras, 126 BC









                5. "You want WHAT
                on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

                -- Michelangelo, 1566









                4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

                -- Amelia Earhart, 1937









                3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
                my ass!"

                -- Noah, 4314 BC









                2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

                -- Bill Clinton, 1998


                and a drum roll please............!






                1. "Geez, I didn't think

                they'd get this

                @%#*^ing mad."

                -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

                __________________________________________________



                --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                1967 White Convertible Auto ...... 1994 to 2004
                2005 Redfire GT Manual......2008 to 2010
                2010 Kona Blue GT Auto ...... 2010 to 2013


                MOCGB #332 since 1994

                Comment


                  #9
                  A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he
                  sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

                  The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
                  ostrich,"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

                  A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
                  $6.40
                  please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
                  for payment.

                  The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,

                  "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
                  have
                  the same."

                  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

                  This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

                  "The usual?" asks the waitress.

                  "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
                  salad,"
                  says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

                  A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
                  will be $12.62."
                  Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
                  the table.

                  The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
                  "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
                  out of your pocket every time?"
                  "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
                  found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
                  wishes.
                  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
                  put
                  my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
                  "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
                  million
                  dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
                  as you live!"
                  "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
                  money is always there," says the man.

                  The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

                  The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
                  "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with
                  everything I say."

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I know it's not Friday but someone just sent me this and I thought I'd share it with you. Hopefullt it won't upset too many people (apologies in advance if it does)

                    European Security Levels Raised


                    The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
                    recent terrorist bombings and therefore have raised
                    their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'.
                    Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again
                    to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners
                    have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 -
                    when tea supplies all but ran out.

                    Terrorists have been officially re-categorised from
                    "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the
                    British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
                    during the Great Fire of 1666.

                    Also, the French government announced yesterday that
                    it had also raised its terror alert level from "Run"
                    to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
                    "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was
                    precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
                    white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
                    country's military capability.

                    It's not only the English and French that are on a
                    heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
                    alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to
                    "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
                    remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change
                    sides".

                    The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their
                    neighbours, have also increased their alert state from
                    "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing
                    marching songs". They have two higher alert levels:
                    "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

                    The world should now feel a safer place...
                    Roo



                    '09 GT/CS Convertible

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I cant help but wonder what the American equivalents are. Any ideas anyone?
                      Peter
                      73 Convertible 351C -

                      Comment


                        #12
                        ex-girlfriend

                        > I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
                        day.
                        >
                        >
                        > We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we
                        used
                        > to enjoy together.
                        >
                        >
                        > I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting
                        Up
                        > and rekindling a little of that 'magic'.
                        >
                        >
                        > Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
                        > I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
                        >
                        >
                        > She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
                        >
                        >
                        > "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
                        > that's a few inches wider these days!"
                        >
                        >
                        > She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
                        >
                        >
                        > She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
                        >
                        >
                        > "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
                        giggled...................
                        >
                        > >
                        >
                        >
                        > >
                        >
                        > So I told her to **** off!
                        Paul

                        current ride 2003 GT Convertible - Sonic Blue

                        gone but not forgotten

                        70 351-4v Mach 1........72 351-2v convertible........94 GT convertible........05 GT convertible

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Friday again

                          THE RURAL AUSTRALIA THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY -



                          * Log On - Make the barbecue hotter
                          * Log Off - The barbecue is too hot
                          * Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue
                          * Download - Get the firewood off the ute
                          * Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies
                          * Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
                          * Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys
                          * Window - What you shut when it's cold
                          * Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
                          * Byte - What mosquitoes do
                          * Bit - What mosquitoes did
                          * Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do
                          * Chip - A bar snack
                          * Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
                          * Modem - What you did to the lawns
                          * Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
                          * Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
                          * Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
                          * Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
                          * Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
                          * Mainframe - What holds the shed up
                          * Web - What spiders make
                          * Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
                          * Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
                          * Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
                          * Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go
                          * Upgrade - A steep hill
                          * Server - The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
                          * Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
                          * User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
                          * Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
                          * Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
                          * Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
                          * Online - When you get the laundry hung out
                          * Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

                          ************************************************** *******

                          Here's another :D

                          A bloke walked into a public toilet where he found two cubicles, of
                          which one was already occupied. So he entered the other one, closed

                          the door,dropped his trousers and sat down. A voice came from the

                          cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you going?" He thought it a

                          bit strange but not wanting to be rude he replied "Yeah, not too bad

                          thanks." After a short pause, he heard the voice again "So, what are

                          you up to mate?" Again he answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be

                          said. Unsure what to say, he replied "Umm, just having a quick poo..

                          How about yourself?" He then heard the voice for the third time

                          ....."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some idiot

                          in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
                          1967 White Convertible Auto ...... 1994 to 2004
                          2005 Redfire GT Manual......2008 to 2010
                          2010 Kona Blue GT Auto ...... 2010 to 2013


                          MOCGB #332 since 1994

                          Comment


                            #14
                            GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

                            1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
                            2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
                            3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
                            4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
                            5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
                            6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
                            7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
                            You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
                            9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
                            10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


                            GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

                            1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
                            2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
                            3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
                            4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
                            5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
                            6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


                            GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

                            1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
                            2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
                            3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
                            4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
                            5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
                            6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
                            7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


                            THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

                            1) You believe in Santa Claus.
                            2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
                            3) You are Santa Claus.
                            4) You look like Santa Claus.

                            SUCCESS:

                            At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
                            At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
                            At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
                            At age 35 success is . . . having money.
                            At age 50 success is . . . having money.
                            At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
                            At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
                            At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
                            Frankenstang™ only available in Kernow

                            71-73 Supporters Group

                            Comment


                              #15
                              A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
                              wife looks over at him and asks the question....

                              WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
                              again?"

                              HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

                              WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

                              HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

                              WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

                              HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

                              WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

                              HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

                              WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

                              HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

                              WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

                              HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

                              WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

                              HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

                              WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

                              HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

                              WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

                              HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

                              WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

                              HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

                              WIFE: -- silence --

                              HUSBAND: "sh*t."
                              Roo



                              '09 GT/CS Convertible

                              Comment

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